I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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