Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My vagina is very pro this idea
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
