Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
