I'm so fucking centered right now
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
