he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
