I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
