And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
