In the future we'll all be gay
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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