hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
