Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize