woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
