How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
