I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
