Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
