I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
