I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize