It was confusing and full of hummus
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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