So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize