Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
