Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
