I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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