at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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