now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
