I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
