im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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