Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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