i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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