Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
