dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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