do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize