Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
