to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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