How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
