She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
