He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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