who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
