So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
