Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
