This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
