Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My vagina is officially offended.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
