There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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