i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
