great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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