May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
