If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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