if i can run in heels then i can drive
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
