I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize