why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
