Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize