NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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