onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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