Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize