Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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