so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
