I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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