Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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