I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
