Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
