forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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