Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
